Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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