WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
