i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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