Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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