I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
