I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
