I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
two words...techno handjob
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
