and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
