I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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