HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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