JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
