New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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