Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
