I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There's always time for handjobs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
