Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
