you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
