I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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