What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
