she woke up with a sticky ear
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
