Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
