I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
