dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
