when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
