Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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