Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
