i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
