Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
