OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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