life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
