in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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