I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
