i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
