Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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