i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
