I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
