can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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