it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
