My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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