You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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