he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
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