Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
