I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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