I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
