Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
