don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
