He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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