I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
