The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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