i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
