Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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