Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
