I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
