Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
