On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i jhust puked up my retainher.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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