Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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